My
Testimony
I've known of Jesus,
God, most of my life. I remember Sunday school as
a small child, singing "yes Jesus loves me,
yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the bible
tells me so". And vacation bible schools
with friends - "the B I B L E that's the
book for me" and "Jesus loves the
little children, all the little children of the
world". Did I understand any of it? NO!
At the ripe old age of 11 or 12 I recall the
serious theological conversation with my best
friend. We were perched atop our world, the roof
of an abandoned granary, which had been converted
to our "club house". My final say on
the subject of religion at that point was,
"I don't know if there really is a God or
not but just in case there is I'm not going to
say there isn't because if there is I don't want
Him to get mad at me."
In my mid to late teens I actually attended
church services on my own for a time but to be
honest I don't remember a single thing that was
said there. Only that I was searching, reaching
out, for something. I didn't seem to find it
though and in time gave up the Sunday morning
hassle of getting dressed up and driving to town.
Instead I opted for jeans or shorts and the
2-mile bicycle ride to Lake Michigan to set on
the bluffs and dream of a different, better,
life.
When I was 18 is when I first remember hearing
the word "salvation" or the phrase
"accepting Christ as your savior". A
pastor had come to my mother's house, my mother,
and one of my younger sisters were all there.
They asked if I would like to accept Christ as my
Savior, told me some things to say, prayed for
and with me, and cried (the happy, excited kind
of crying). It was very emotional at the moment
but I believe more so for the other 3 than for
me. Did I know what had happened? Did I know
Jesus any better than when I was singing
"yes Jesus loves me"? NO!
Over the next 20 years I was in and out of
church. Read the bible from time to time. Called
on God for help on a few occasions. With age and
maturity I learned some important questions in
the Christian circle - "are you saved",
"do you know Christ", and "are you
going to Heaven"? To which I would answer,
"yea, sure am, yep, yes, or oh yes"!
I'd played a piano solo, "Trust and
Obey", in church, sang in a church choir,
worked in a church nursery.
On the off times I had sexual relations with a
couple dozen men, was married and divorced 3
times, drank a good share of alcohol, swore,
lied, cheated, stole, and rarely thought of Jesus
or God. At that point in my life I still had no
knowledge of the Holy Ghost (or Spirit) and
"The Trinity" sounded like the name of
a band that must not have made it as big as
"The Beatles" did.
I truly believed that had I died during that time
I would have gone to Heaven. I had after all
accepted Christ as my Savior. I was saved because
Jesus died on the cross for me and "Jesus
loves the little children, all the little
children of the world." I was one of His
children! I had learned a lot!
But, did I know Jesus? What if at that time
someone had asked me if I had a
"relationship" with Jesus? My answer
would have been "NO" and "A
What"! Was it a shortcoming in myself? Was I
a slow learner or stupid? Or was I just never
shown or taught those things?
I know now that Jesus has always been with me. He
was there helping or watching as I sang and
played games at vacation bible school. He was on
the granary roof when I didn't fully accept but
didn't' deny Him. He was there the night I
accepted Him and the morning I played "Trust
and Obey". Could I at any time have had a
relationship with Him? I don't know for sure,
possibly, but I think not. I think it just wasn't
my time. I think that God was still working on
me. "But now, O LORD, thou art our father;
we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all
are the work of thy hand." (Isaiah 64:8 KJV)
I wrote the following section in June of 1998 as
part of my lessons after being baptized. The time
when I feel I started to develop a relationship
with Christ, when I truly started to know Him.
When I stopped searching for something and
started finding things in the bible. When for the
first time in my life I could look back over my
life and see more than all the bad things in my
life, I could see the many things God had done
for me. I could see how He was always with me.
My Baptism
(written by Faith, June of 1998)
Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing
them in the name of the Father, and of the Son,
and of the Holy Ghost: (Matthew 28:19 KJV)
I think the main reason for my wanting to be
baptized was desperately wanting and needing a
change in my life. I guess a lot of people would
say I had it very good - four healthy children, a
good job, a house. But I think my oldest son put
it best a year or so ago, "It's all a show
and you're nothing but a fake." And he was
right, I put on an act for the world to see but
what was inside of me wasn't so pretty. I was
bitter, lonely, and very unhappy.
So, I fixed up the house, changed my hairstyle
and lost 10 pounds. But guess what! I still
wasn't happy and couldn't figure it out. What was
wrong with me?
It wasn't until after my last romantic break-up.
I took a very close look at my life and myself.
Even now months later I can feel his arms around
me, see the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled at
me. The phone rings and a part of me wishes it
would be his voice on the other end of the line.
I'll never forget the day we talked about the
book I'm writing, the story of my life, he
insisted he had to be in the book and I said I'd
already planned on him being the last chapter, he
was very pleased with that.
Must be a really great guy for me to feel that
strongly toward him right? I suppose he was when
you left out his substance abuse and the mental
abuse he heaped on me. This was a man whose own
mother said he was Satan himself and he took
pride in the name. Where do you go after loving
and being loved by Satan? I didn't see anything
lower than that so could only go up. Thinking
about it now in new light and life I know he will
be the last chapter of my life, the old one.
So I dug really deep and had to admit to myself
if to no one else that there was something wrong
with me! And believe me it wasn't easy after all,
for years my motto was "There's nothing
wrong with me, it's the rest of the world that's
messed up." I'd spent most of my life hiding
the truth from everyone including myself. And I
was good at it. So good that my mother didn't
know my father had been abusing me for 10 years
until I told her. So good my husband didn't
realize I hadn't left our house for three months
(not even to go to the store). So good that I was
36 years old before anyone but my youngest sister
knew that I was borderline bulimic - 5'10"
and 120lbs, I ate I took a laxative. So good that
until now there was only one person in the world
that knew I almost killed my unborn child and
myself.
I wasn't getting very far finding out for myself
what was wrong. Then one night after weeks of
getting no where, tossing and turning in bed, a
thought came to me. I remembered a similar night
almost 22 years ago when a dear friend of mine
told me to open the bible he'd given me a few
months before. I can still hear his words, he
said, "Just read it, the answers are all
there." So just as I did back then I started
reading. There was no rhyme or reason to what I
read, I just read. After a half-hour or so I
started to see what was happening, nearly
everything I read said something about Baptism!
I had accepted Christ as my Savior at age 18,
didn't really understand it all but said all the
words. Then at 22 I was going to be Baptized but
got side tracked and didn't follow through, only
to sink deeper and deeper into a life of misery.
What I read that night scared me. I'd always
thought when I died I'd go to Heaven but what I
was reading was saying I should be Baptized. What
if I was wrong? The words of a child came to mind
a niece (15) had asked me, "Aunt Faith when
the end comes am I going to see you in
Heaven?" Those were the last words she spoke
to me, she went to live with the Lord 2 months
later, dying from life long medical
complications.
What if I died and hadn't done what I was
supposed to do. I've heard a million times if
there's a Heaven there must be a Hell. Well, it
worked in reverse for me - I knew there was a
Hell, I'd been living on the edge of it for
years. And the thought of dying and it being my
life all over scared me more than anything in my
life ever had.
If you look at life like a ladder, when you're
born you're in the middle and from there you can
go up or you can go down. I was on the bottom
rung of my ladder and looking at a long hard
climb up or just dangling on that bottom rung
until it turned into eternity.
It didn't hit me until five hours after my
baptism that in a matter of seconds I felt I had
been catapulted back up to the middle rung of my
ladder. I now feel strong and ready for the rest
of my climb to the top, am looking forward to all
the "firsts" in my new life, and
excited about sharing those firsts with my new
friends. I'm sure there will be occasional
setbacks but at lest up here on the top half of
the ladder I have people supporting and cheering
me on my climb, opposed to the bottom half where
I had people constantly pulling me down.
What do I think was wrong with me? I wasn't
listening! Even though I know God was in my life
I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I thank
God for the friends who've stood beside me
through these difficult times, for the new
friends helping me on my climb, and for accepting
me into his arms.
Since writing this I have had several people tell
me that baptism is not a "rebirth" but
only an outward sign of our love for God. For me
it was that sign that turned my life around and
gave me the strength and courage to trust in the
Lord. For me, it was very much like a
"rebirth" because I honestly feel like
a new person now.
"Know ye not, that so many of us as were
baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his
death? Therefore we are buried with him by
baptism into death: that like as Christ was
raised up from the dead by the glory of the
Father, even so we also should walk in newness of
life."
(Romans 6:3-4 KJV)
That was over 4 years ago now. Has my life been a
bed of roses since? No, there has still been more
than my share of trials and tribulations.
Problems never seem to end but I've learned that
as long as I keep my trust in the Lord. As long
as I keep Him in my life and continue to work on
that relationship the rewards will come, and will
come double for my trouble. I know now what
"The Trinity" is, I know the Holy
Spirit is living in me, and I know Jesus Christ
our Savior. And those words, "Trust and
Obey" mean something to me now, trust in the
Lord and obey His commandments. I know that you
can be "a Christian" by setting in
church every Sunday but that's not nearly as
great as having a relationship with Christ. If
you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior
where are you at now? Are you satisfied with
being a pew warmer and waiting for His coming and
your eternal life in Heaven? Or would you like to
have a relationship with Christ? It's your
choice! God has given each of us that ability to
choose where we are in our walk with Him. As for
me, I'm going for the gold and those double
blessings. "Even by the God of thy father,
who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who
shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above,
blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings
of the breasts, and of the womb:" (Genesis
49:25 KJV) Does that make me better than another
Christian? NO, not at all! It merely means that
is the choice I made and I pray the plan He has
for me. Will my "works" get me into
Heaven? NO, my faith in Jesus is the only thing
that will do that but oh the sweetness of knowing
the One who got me there.
Can anyone who desires a relationship with Christ
have it? Yes, I honestly believe they can. I
don't believe it's something that can be taught
in a class or steps given for someone to reach
that relationship. I think that it has to be in
your heart, with God's blessing, and then as it's
said "anything worth having is worth working
for" you must work towards that. Where do
you start? First you must have the desire, then I
would suggest a serious heart to heart talk with
Our Father. Tell Him what it is you want and then
listen to Him. "And all these blessings
shall come on thee, and overtake thee, if thou
shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy
God." ( Deuteronomy 28:2 KJV) I am convinced
He will talk to you. It may not be a voice loud
and clear but in communication with Him He will
tell you what to do. Talking and listening the
two most important ingredients in
"communication" which I believe is the
most important ingredient in any relationship.
And it's not going to happen over night "A
faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he
that maketh haste to be rich shall not be
innocent." (Proverbs 28:20 KJV)
"But without faith it is impossible to
please him: for he that cometh to God must
believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of
them that diligently seek him."
Hebrews 11:6
Am I finished working on having a relationship
with Christ? No and I pray it never will be. My
prayers are that I will daily continue to grow
closer to the Lord as well as that the Lord will
use me to bring others both to know Him and to
come closer to Him.
Matthew 6:
1 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men,
to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward
of your Father which is in heaven.
2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not
sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do
in the synagogues and in the streets, that they
may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you,
They have their reward.
3 But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand
know what thy right hand doeth:
4 That thine alms may be in secret: and thy
Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward
thee openly.
5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the
hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in
the synagogues and in the corners of the streets,
that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto
you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy
closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to
thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father
which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
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